Towels

Hotel towels are weird.

I mean, the ones they give you for the bath are BARELY large enough to wrap around your head and are definitely passable for use as a mat next to the tub…but the POOL towels are properly sized and can wrap around your whole wet body; tits and all.

Which.

I am presently having a very weird relationship with lately

Not the towels.

Also not exactly the tits.

My body.

This…isn’t about the towels.

Except that it totally is actually about the towels. Just stay with me for a minute, ok?

I promise there is a point to this.

At the beginning of the year i did keto for a bit. It seemed to be going ok. I lost like 20 pounds or whatever. I have since stopped doing keto and am pretty sure I managed to put all 20 of said pounds back on. I am essentially pregnant with Insomnia Cookies, thanks to a show I did being at the Greenhouse…and also to my shitty impulse control and bad habits during tech.

Its whatever.

DESPITE THIS HOWEVER

I recently spent most of an entire 24 hour period in bed with a partnery person and during a good deal of that time, I was *GaspPearlClutch* NAKED. Like in view of another person’s whole (presumably human) eyes.

Y’all remember when that would have NEVER happened?

I am starting to figure out that just because I hate my body…that doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone else will. Like, individually. At large, yes I am still fat and therefore people will hate that and they will hate even more that I sometimes DON’T hate it because YoU’rE GlOrIfYIng ObEsItY.

No, Sharon, I am living my best life there is a fucking nuanced difference do please try to keep up.

I should probably go back on keto, though.

Like for all of the reasons I had started it. Not because of the numbers or the sizes–because as per usual the sizes didn’t change -that- much. Like I kind of felt better overall for a while. Not to say that I feel terribly now, but I don’t feel as good.

(Sup, tangent)

So yeah. Bein nekkid with other humans.

That was not the first time.

I’ve kind of noticed it happening a bit more.

With other people, too.

And a general…hiding less overall.

I don’t know how related all of the factors are. I am noting them as Data Points(™) right now and trying to focus on staying present and not getting super caught up in the ZOMG of it all.

I think, on some level, it’s a trust thing? But the trust I have is in myself?

That…sounds insane.

Or maybe it doesn’t.

I think it absolutely ties into a few other things, though. Changes I have noticed, progress that has been made. It’s like…there are finally some tangible markers to a few of the abstract concepts we have been working on but they aren’t the ones I was expecting?

Based on a conversation I was having–for the sake of argument, let’s call it a “negotiation”–I remembered about a thing I had written and “published” on the internets called COIN OPERATED GIRL ANACHRONISM like…five years ago. It’s most recent update to this point was from 2014. So, after realizing a lot of the things that I would normally have to share or explain or disclose or whatever were no longer either relevant or necessary, I decided to take a stab at updating the post.

Now, what I should have done was pull it down completely and rework the entire piece with the previous as an outline. What I did instead was just delete the things that don’t matter as much anymore and added a few hilarious quips and updated my current testing status and whatnot.

Things that I noticed:

  • A bunch of things that were on the “absolutely not” list…fucking aren’t anymore
  • A bunch of stuff that was on the “I would like to” list…have happened
  • Almost ALL of the shit that is like “idk man I am really indecisive and don’t really ask for things and don’t usually initiate anything”…is gone. Because fuck that shit. WHY?

(I don’t know when I grew a spine but I think it was somewhere between “not giving a fuck what anyone thought of what I was doing anymore” and “having to be in charge of all of the things all of the time, all day no breaks”. This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to find a good work/life balance and YET)

I don’t really have anything to add right now. It’s not that I suddenly have everything I want or need–I sure as shit do not–but what I DO have is a good strong foundation to build on and good people around to help facilitate those things. That growth, those experiences, the adventures…and I have a bunch of shiny new tools to be able to build much of those things myself.

I think maybe “spend more time in bed naked with this list of humans” could be an addition. For a couple of reasons.

WAIT ARE ALL OF THESE “I”s FUCKING CAPITALIZED WHAT IS THAT SHIT? I BLAME GOOGLE FOR THAT ONE.

The things I had written four years ago were nearly unrecognizable

Actually…nearly may not even be an appropriate word choice. That shit was written by a whole ass different person.

I think

Ultimately

There are different things for different reasons

Sometimes, those reasons shape who and what we are.

We adjust and adapt.

And maybe there is a REASON the pool towels and the bathroom towels are such stupid sizes.

Maybe they have to adapt because of their respective purposes.

I mean..in all fairness, kitchen towels and beach towels aren’t the same size either. So this totally tracks.

Or maybe people are less likely to steal tit washcloths from the room.

I don’t know.

But I DO know

Hotel towels are weird.

By | 2018-08-17T10:35:51+00:00 August 16th, 2018|body image, sex positive, writing|0 Comments

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Scarlett Carson

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